What better way to celebrate the birth of our nation than a list of things that are classically American? Our foreign correspondents (aka Cordelia and Lynn), compiled their favourites and we’re not sure if the results are an indictment or a wishlist…we’ll let you be the judge.

1. 44oz drinks. Most countries in the world frown on cups that hold more liquid than your bladder. Not America, home of Depends, where a 44oz drink is a size Medium.

2. Viagra commercials…or hell, any big-pharma promos. Only in America do people ask for their meds by brand name.

3. Ice cubes and air conditioning. It’s like summer doesn’t exist in the rest of the world.

3. Red plastic solo cups (Don’t believe us…look for the common element in all of these American Parties.)

4. People sitting down in a line. Pick any museum line in the world, 100% of the people sitting cross-legged will be American.

5. 47 different kinds of apples, oranges and grapes. We’ve visited produce farms and still not managed to match the displays in the typical American supermarket. Spoiler alert: they all taste like apples.

6. Pumpkin spice anything. While you guys are all bitching, we’d give our right arms for a slice of pumpkin pie that didn’t start with us having to roast a damn pumpkin.

7. Costco and Sam’s Club. Americans never ever fear the empty toilet roll with their 64 Sam’s club toilet pack. Unless of course you are the Duggars.

8. Go-Gurts, string cheese and 32 other foods that used to require a utensil. In the States, Land of the Car, you can get any type of food pre-packaged for single-handed eating.

9. Bottomless cup. Whether it’s filter coffee in a New York City diner or any restaurant South of …. and west of…. you will get free refills of your ice tea and pop. Now that’s hospitality.

10. Pearly Whites. Get ready to wear your sunglasses at night as most of us have dazzling white chompers straighter than the place settings at Lord Grantham’s dinner table.

11. The Drive Thru. From weddings to funerals, we like to do everything from the comfort of our car – and given the cost of hospitals, we think drive thru births will soon follow! 

12. SALES! Columbus day to Memorial, President’s and Labor Day, there’s nothing like the dulcet tones of ‘Up to 80% off!’ Nowhere in the world can complete with our Black Friday sales.

13. Bubble gum. You may not know this but before being selected for an American baseball team, Cuban and Puerto Rican players have to demonstrate they can blow and crack their gum. Ok, we made that up but we still haven’t figured out why Hubba-bubba hasn’t sponsored a baseball team.

14. Local Access television. We’ve got 999 television stations, and 900 of them are showing clips from the last school board meeting.

15. Infomercials. While we’re on the topic of TV, how did TV shopping ever get popular enough to spawn it’s own retail chain

16. Reality TV. Just kidding. That shit is everywhere now.

17. Donuts, cronuts & donut burgers. No wonder the national dress code calls for an elastic waistband.

18. Brand names. The only thing Americans love more than showing their passion for  over-priced brands is a Kirkland bargain at Costco. 

19. Target. Women everywhere dream of the Mossimo tissue-weight tees.

20. The Law. Whether it’s watching Law & Order and Judge Judy or suing our neighbors for the undue stress caused by their pooch peeing on our perfectly manicured front lawns, we just can’t get enough Litigation in our Nation. It’s a good thing we churn out lawyers as fast as Mickey D’s does its McNuggets, well almost. 

Signing off as a box of Krispy Kremes and an episode of The Good Wife awaits. Wishing y’all a Happy Fourth!

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An amazing collection of bright women who somehow manage to work, play, parent and survive and write blog posts all at the same time. We are the BLUNTmoms, always honest, always direct and surprising hilarious.

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