Birthday Party Moms

Gone are the days when a birthday party invitation meant dropping your kid off curbside at Chuck E. Cheese. These days, children’s birthday parties are a family affair, and parents aren’t just welcome, but expected to accompany their children to a day full of party games, cake, and playdate networking. Some moms revel in the birthday party experience while others spend their time trying to figure out how they could have discreetly smuggled in a flask. Below are the seven types of moms that can be found at any birthday party and tips to help you finagle any encounters with them into successful playdates for your kids.

1. Drone Mom

This mom doesn’t leave her child’s side for the duration of the party. She can be found escorting her child to and from each party activity, taking several dozen photos, and going to town on the frosting on her kid’s face with a wet nap she has pulled from her purse. Her kid would love to have a playdate at your house as it will give him his first experience with unsupervised play. Just prepare yourself to wipe his ass after he uses your bathroom.

2. Aloof Mom

This mom enters the party with her smartphone in hand, and it’s not for taking pictures. Aloof Mom has shit to do, and it does not involve you and your inconsequential small talk. A birthday party is her ticket to two hours of uninterrupted time to catch up on emails and do a little online shopping. Do not approach this mom. She is not interested in your opinion of the last PTA meeting and she doesn’t want to plan a playdate – unless it’s at your house and it buys her some more alone time.

3. Hungover Mom

Birthday parties are usually held on a Saturday or Sunday, when Hungover Mom would prefer to be lounging on the couch in her pajamas. She’s the one strolling in late, clad in sunglasses, and gripping a caffeinated beverage. She’s happy to chat, especially as it will take her mind off her splitting headache and bouts of nausea. Playdates with this mom should never be planned for any time before noon. Although, you shouldn’t be focusing on playdates with Hungover Mom anyway. You should just get her number for a mommy’s night out. Hungover Mom knows how to have a good time.  

4. Sexy Mom

You can tell Sexy Mom has arrived when all of the dads simultaneously suck in their guts and you feel bad about the outfit you’re wearing. She’s usually clad in skinny jeans and a top that reveals just enough cleavage to remain daytime appropriate, yet makes the other moms too jealous to talk to her. Sexy Mom is getting used to bitchy, cliquey moms, but it doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to be one. Plan a playdate with Sexy Mom and have her come in for a glass of wine while the kids play.

5. Banshee Mom

Most moms try to put on a little show in public that makes it seem like we are incredibly patient, soft-spoken, and kind when disciplining redirecting our children – basically, we pretend we are Snow White. Not Banshee Mom. Banshee Mom doesn’t do pretense and will be found screaming at her child for not having her shoes tied, in the same way other moms would yell if they discovered their child performing a choke hold on the birthday boy. Banshee Mom makes us feel like we’ve got our shit together, and reminds us that playdates with her child would work out best at our house.  

6. Quinoa Mom

Quinoa Mom can be spotted when it’s time for cake, because she will be at the table, ready to plop a homemade, gluten-free, vegan cupcake on her kid’s plate before anyone can even offer her child the delicious confection the birthday kid’s parents are providing. She doesn’t understand the concept of small talk and would love to “chit chat” about vaccines, GMOs, and hypnobirthing. Her kid is literally munching at the bit to get to your house because he heard you’ve been known to serve boxed mac and cheese and snacks that have red dye in them.  For your own sanity, make it for Quinoa Mom’s house, because you will not be able to handle the anxiety that comes along with her kid’s list of food allergies.     

7. Pinterest Mom

Pinterest Mom walks in with a present that looks like it was gift-wrapped by Martha Stewart herself. She will be dressed impeccably and will know you by name, even though you are quite certain you’ve never met. Pinterest Mom would love to plan and host a playdate with your child, and will pull out her calendar to nail down a date. Without a doubt, your child will come home from her playdate at Pinterest Mom’s house with an intricately designed craft and proceed to inform you of all of your inadequacies as a mother. Which is fine, because you and Hungover Mom really went after the wine last night, and you needed a break.    

About the author: Teresa Carlton is a wife and mother of two who has nearly mastered the art of appearing to have her life together.  Her blog www.mamatriesblog.com chronicles her life of doing it all with mediocrity. Follow her on: Facebook, Twitter and Instagram