Beauty products: There is Something For Every Body Part, Except My Liver

Sarah Gilbert
Written by Sarah Gilbert

Is it just me or is there a beauty product for everything? 

Some time ago — back in the old days — someone invented a soothing balm for the skin that we called lotion. Then, feeling uppity, someone else invented a new special kind of lotion called face cream. I am still unclear on the small, but extraordinarily important differences, between lotion and cream. One seems thicker and can also be easily confused with my favorite accompaniment for coffee. I use lotion and cream interchangeably, much to the disappointment of beauty technicians everywhere, but I love myself and have compassion for my imperfections just like the internet memes on Facebook told me to. 
 
I love myself and have compassion for my imperfections just like the internet memes on Facebook told me to. 
There are so many beauty enhancements available, and my friends, who also love me with the same fervent compassion as the internet memes, have showered me with luxurious self-care gifts that I’m making a real effort to put to good use. Last night, while preparing for bed, I located and applied foot balm, hand cream, face toner, eye serum, cuticle butter, body moisturizer and lanolin for my lips. This morning, I was so smooth that my clothes slipped on by themselves.
 
Then, it was time to open up my make-up case. And by that, I mean suitcase. I’ve heard that some women are addicted to cosmetics and have closets full of the stuff. I do not. I feel like one large suitcase is probably enough. After the first 43 minutes of applying exfoliating facial scrub followed by face cleanser, moisturizer, more eye serum and just a touch of ointment, I was ready for contouring and coloring. I applied alternating colors of brown and cream, as well as layers of liquids and powders. Pretty soon, there were enough fresh inches of powder on my face that I could attract enthusiastic snowboarders, but not so much as to cause an avalanche.
 
Now it was time to focus on my eyes.
 
 
I’ve heard that some women are addicted to cosmetics and have closets full of the stuff. I do not. I feel like one large suitcase is probably enough.
This involved various types of pencils and erasers, as well as the tiniest paint brushes and sponges you have ever seen. Because I share a glove size with the Green Giant, this was by far the most challenging part of my beauty routine. I could hardly hold the tiny wands without dropping them or shaking so badly that I unintentionally emulated a Lady-Gaga-Bride-of-Frankenstein sort of affect on my eyelids. Pro tip: I would recommend applying eye cosmetics before drinking coffee to avoid the shakes and also to increase the lid closure that will come naturally if you’re as exhausted from all of this as I am.
 
The last step was my eyelashes, which now require not just curling but also different brushes for the bottom and the top lashes, because I recently learned that I can amplify (!) the tiny hairs on my lower eyelid with a micro-brush that gives my eye 360 (!) All-Around-Lash-Glam. Personally, I didn’t notice a difference, but I think I misunderstood the label. I was sure that 360 degree eyes would let me read the internet memes using the back of my head. But no.
 
In all of this, there is a lesson. To become a bold, beautiful, self-caring woman there is no body part too small, to escape my attention. And while we’re discussing body parts, are you aware that it’s National Donate Life Month? Seriously. It is. So pay attention to all your body parts and consider becoming or checking to be sure that you are an organ donor. My eyelashes will be useless when I die, but someone might be in need of my compassionate heart built and sustained by internet memes. To register go here. http://donatelife.net/

About the author

Sarah Gilbert

Sarah Gilbert

Sarah writes with sarcasm about science, gender, feminism and fertility issues on her blog sarahanngilbert.com. She is writing a memoir about her experience becoming a parent. Sarah lives in Denver with her wife, two girls and an ungrateful dog. If she had more free time, she would spend it lobbying the state government to make down vests and flip-flops the official uniform of Colorado. You can talk to her on Twitter @sarahanngilbert.

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