All Apologies

Brooke Takhar
Written by Brooke Takhar

Ever since a human being came out of my vagina, I feel like a B movie actor. Cameras 1 & 2 capture me fumbling through my lines every day. Today after a particularly stern car scolding, I turned back around and laugh-whispered conspiratorially to my brother in the passenger seat, “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing!”

I do know how to apologize. Working Mom guilt, raising my voice, kind of accidentally kicking her out of the way (with a SOFT SHOE and no malice in my heart) – these all resulted in me crouching down to look her in the big brown peepers and say “Mama is sorry.” So, I fail, I own that and we move forward.

What I often forget is that I let some beautiful life detritus slough away when I became a parent. I owe them some big time apologies and it’s time to make hay.

Dear Boobs,
Mon petite titty twins – remember the exaltation when you slowly engorged and filled up all the creases of a fucking B CUP?! Of course you do; as boobs go, that would have been a Dear Diary moment for sure. And then the mouth that hath no satiation glommed on and depleted all our perky hopes and dreams. I’m sorry that one fleeting flirtation with substance quickly turned into a sustenance sacrifice. You deserved better. So, I have a Victoria’s Secret gift card in my wallet. Let’s say you, you and me go do some Pretty Woman-styles shopping together? It’s not a grand return to a B cup, but babies, we’ll still have an A-plus good time.

Dear Cable Series that aired after September 2010,
I’m sorry but could you ask my friends and the media to stop reminding me how fucking great you are? How my life will never be the same because I never watched Homeland, House of Cards, Boardwalk Empire, and Justified etc? Thank you. When I’m old and we’re able to slide USB sticks directly into our corneas, I will catch up.

Dear Memory,
Sorry. (Sniffs air.) What was this column about again?

Dear Floor of my Car,
I’m (*koff*) sorry. I gag every day because I just cannot keep pace with her shitty output. The kid must take large bites with a dry mouth and just wide mouth exhale great sprays of crumbs like a reverse shitty vacuum. I’m so sorry that I don’t even remember what colour you used to be.  One day it will be better. Until then, two words – maple syrup. That’s kind of amazing, right? Your buddies in the parking garage must have given you props for that mess? Yes?

Dear Ferry Magazines,
Sorry but I’m on Deck 4 trying to keep a 3 year old in her car seat for 90 minutes. I can still smell you. Can you smell me too?

Dear Friends Without Kids,
I’m sorry that you get to hear me repeat stories twice because I can’t remember who I’ve told them to. Double sorry if you were there when the story happened. Triple sorry if I have exaggerated it so much you think I’m a shitty friend who lies to make myself seem funnier and more with it. I’m a storyteller and sometimes you have to throw all your skills on the floor with a flash bomb and hope that makes up for everything else you’re failing at in life.

Dear Sleep,
AKA the greatest forsaken love of my life. I’m sorry for not fighting long and hard for you every day. My gorgeous beast, my unbridled speckled pony, sloe-eyed with gentle nickers that I hear in the dark and always reach out for. One day we will be reunited and you can delicately step through oceans and seas while I lay passed out on your back in a tank top with one ear plug in.

Dear Husband’s Dick,
I would apologize but really, kind sir, this shit is all your fault.

About the author

Brooke Takhar

Brooke Takhar

Brooke Takhar is a Vancouver-based mama to one goon and busy body to all. She loves the Internet, glittery nail polish, over-sharing and teaching her kid outdated dance moves. If you really love her, you'll fight in public.

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  • Was this really published 3 days ago? How did I miss it? I lurve it.

    Oh Floor of My Car, I know that I force you to choke on piles of picked off indie nail polish each and every day. So much so that when my husband vacuumed out my car he was awestruck: “THERE WAS EVERY COLOR IMAGINABLE.” But I can’t help it. It’s a nervous habit. I’M A PICKER. Plus if I pick, I can reapply. *grabs manicure supplies*

    • It wasn’t published three days ago, that was scheduler error. I never thought to check that I would have to make sure it didn’t try to post backwards in time when I only scheduled the time thinking it would post later today. 🙂 But at least that explains why it posted instantaneously.

  • Tom – Thank you sir! And yes, even though it causes me to lose precious sleep I have made time for a few choice series – Breaking Bad was one of them. Holy hellish stress every week Batman!

    Sarah – It is IMMENSELY satisfying vacuuming up nail polish remnants – I can hear the clikity clik from here. Also – how does your husband feel about crushed Pocky (Asian cookie sticks) & goldfish cracker heads? If there was no detectable gag reflex there, put him on the next plane to Vancouver. Thank you.

  • I’m having a grand old time with my ex-Ds, now Bs. I got through my first yoga class in three years today without ONCE cursing at my in-the-way boobs. I endorse a trip to Vicki’s Secret one gazillion percent… it’ll probs bump you up to feeling AT LEAST like an extra in an A-movie.

    And that last item on your list? Baaaahahahahahaha. You get the gold star for funny today.