9 Essential Items for the Over 40 Set

9 Essential Items for the Over 45 Set - BluntMoms.com
Magnolia Ripkin
Written by Magnolia Ripkin

Listen up folks, I have had just about enough of every damned product on the market being aimed at people in their twenties. The entire retail world wants people under the age of thirty to buy their shit. Every freakin’ store is stocked to the tits with belly shirts and skater hats. It’s an ok look if you are 19, but a crashing failure to wear later in life. 

This youth bias makes no sense when the average 23-year-old is either in school or making my $6 coffee at the drive thru for minimum wage. They don’t have money. Neither do the people with young kids.

Us vintage humans have the cash, so maybe start making stuff we want to buy? Clever inventors who want to own the 40 and over market, here’s your To Do List:

  1. Devise a solution for reader glasses that makes us look cool. Include a reminder beep in the frame that discretely lets me know the glasses I am hunting for are on my head.
  2. Sell me a full body compression garment with built-in pee holder. So when I’m in my party frock and drinking with my friends, I don’t have to think about leaky bits.
  3. Yo engineers, you invented 3D printers right? How about an automatic make up application machine? I am so damned tired of doing my whole face every morning for work. While you are at it, make a deluxe model that erases wrinkles. We would give you our firstborn for one of those.
  4. Make jeans that are flattering on Dad bods. We ladies like to bump uglies with the men in our demographic, so at least find a way to make their asses look like we might want to see those jeans on the floor. 
  5. Because we don’t all have Michelle Obama-level guns, many of us who are “of an age” don’t want sleeveless clothing. So walking into a clothing store becomes all about finding something that isn’t a flowered mu-mu but also has sleeves. Even little ones… because buying a beautiful sleeveless dress and then the mandatory cover up “cute jacket” has become the peri-menopausal uniform.
  6. Shoes! For shit’s sake not all of us want to wear Birkenstocks and socks. If one more barely out-of-training-bras store clerk takes me over to the “sensible shoes” rack I may commit violence. I like to wear high heels, so do many of us. You know why we are sometimes forced to move to comfortable nurse shoes? It is because you assholes who make shoes don’t think we need arch support. A 110 pound 20-year-old can wear tippy shoes with rocks for insteps for her morning walk of shame, but I want to do it with some dignity and not with a limp.
  7. We want our own spas, hairdressers and other personal care services. Young people use the word “like” too much while they are sitting in the next chair over, and it makes me ruin my manicure while I am still getting it done. Oh, and while I’m creating a wish list, can we get nail technicians that are mutes? Yeah, that would be great. 
  8. Toupee or comb-over adhesive. If the men are in denial about their emerging baldness, we shouldn’t judge, but at least have something on the market that lessens their flyaway rug when they drive their mid-life convertible. 
  9. While we are dealing with the guys, can you just invent a one time dose of the little blue pill? Give them their dicks and dignity back with a one shot to the ass and we will achieve world peace. Wars could be prevented if politicians had reliable dicks. 

Hear our pleas and please make our transition through middle age the party it should be.

I am now going to turn my thoughts to inventing a wine with calcium supplements…

About the author

Magnolia Ripkin

Magnolia Ripkin

Our Editor-in-Chief Magnolia Ripkin is sort of like your mouthy Aunt who drinks too much and tells you how to run your life, except funny... well mostly funny... like a cold glass of water in the face. She writes a flagrantly offensive blog at Magnolia Ripkin Advice Blog answering pressing questions about business, personal development, parenting, heck even the bedroom isn't safe.
She is the Editor in Chief at BluntMoms. Other places to find her: Huffington Post, The Mighty and Modern Loss. You can also check her out in two amazing compendiums of bloggers who are published in “I Just Want To Be Alone.” And most recently, Martinis and Motherhood, Tales of Wonder, Woe and WTF

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