There are three constants in life here in North America: death, taxes, and the weekly forced march to the f’ing grocery store. By some great cosmic mystery, grocery stores seem to attract more than their fair share of people who aren’t just assholes, they transcend the boundaries of social propriety and become mini-psychos who deserve deep dark incarceration and re-education.
In no specific order, here are a list of acts that, when performed in the grocery store, will get you awarded the title of “Terrible Human Being.”
1) Mitts McGee
In case you weren’t aware, you are not obligated to fondle every piece of fruit in sight like a horny teenager in the lingerie department. That’s annoying. But at least we tend to wash fruit (or at least I do). You know what we can’t wash? Stuff in the bulk bin.
Keep your monkey paws out of the bulk bin, you filthy animals. Especially since I know you were probably fondling bloody packages in the meat department 10 minutes ago. Why grocery stores haven’t had the genius idea of putting hand sanitizer next to the bloody meat packages, I have no idea.
2) The Sanctimonious, Self-Important Sh*thead
You may have been told you were special by your parents, but this does not mean that, for whatever reason, you should take priority over me. You do not have the right to badger me to give up my place in line. Or rudely ask me to “move out of your way” if you feel I am taking too long inspecting ingredients on the packaging. But to be clear, I will be happy to get out of your way if you just simply say politely “Excuse me, could I reach in here?”
Self-Important Sh*theads will often try to jam their way into the express lane with more than the maximum items. And, in fact, they may just say to their tween-aged kids (loudly enough for you to hear as you’re walking towards the checkout): “Walk faster so we can get in line ahead of her.” This example is an absolutely real occurrence, and if you do this again to me, I reserve the right to sprint to the checkout line so I can turn around and yell “IN YOUR FACE!”
3) The Fire-lane F*ck Head (sometimes AKA the Handicapped Heifer and Parking Prick)
You may be this sort of person if you feel that you are too lazy to find a proper parking spot and walk your ass in. Usually this is compounded by “Sanctimonious, Self-Important Sh*theadism” because you only need
one 16 things and therefore will be in and out of the store in only two 15 minutes. But this is a grocery store, not the convenience store, so you decide to park everywhere but and often block the fire lane, the cart ramps, handicap spots, laneways, and generally make an exceptional inconvenience out of yourself. And then when someone finally loses their temper at you and calls you out on your poor behavior, you decide to get all uppity and defensive, yelling lame excuses for why you have the right to be a douchenozzle.
You’re making a really good case for it, however, being a twat is not a disability.
4) The Aisle Asshat
Every grocery store I have ever been to specifically makes itself two-carts wide. Unless your spatial mechanics have been impaired, you certainly don’t need to be in the middle of one. And I know most people have the situational awareness of a stump these days, but try to observe whether a cart is stopped on the opposite side of the aisle before you stop yours directly next to it and go wander off somewhere, attempting to ignore the exasperated stares of the people who are now completely blocked in until one of the two carts gets moved.
5) The Checkout Chump
It’s a cold day in hell that you don’t have someone behind you waiting patiently to put their items on the conveyor belt. So instead of being a chump, be a champ, and kindly set the dividing bar on the conveyor belt so that the person behind you doesn’t have to reach over and have their tits polished with milk-soggy black rubber. Especially if you’re the sanctimonious shithead who sent your kids racing past me to beat me into line. If you simply can’t be arsed, I reserve the right to stare death at the back of your skull and imagine hexes that will curdle your milk and dry up your vagina. Or put a 90 degree kink in your dick. You know, since men are actually really good about being equal-opportunist checkout chumps.
6) The Door-dinging Ding-Dong
If you open your door with nary a care, slamming it into the sides of nearby vehicles, or if you abandon your carts where they happen to hit my car, you may just be a ding-dong. Accidents happen, but if you damage my vehicle severely — either on purpose or by accident — without leaving insurance information, and I happen to catch you, I may return the favour by using my car door to put a matching ding in your forehead.
I trust we understand one another.
7) The Bumpin’ Butthole
I have yet to decide whether Bumpin’ Buttholes are oblivious bone-heads or merely passive-aggressive sociopaths. Regardless of which it may be, if you unapologetically ram me with your cart — and do it in such a way so that I cannot be certain whether it was intentional or not — you fit the bill. I don’t care how much of a hurry you are in. If you want me to finish paying the nice lady cashier, quit f’in jamming me in the side with your f’in cart and then looking EVERYWHERE except AT me as I give you my best Canadian death glare. You know, it’s the one that’s laser-ing “YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR HITTING ME, BUTTMUNCH,” on the front of your polyester shirt.
We all have to go to the store. We all pretty much hate it. So why you people go out of your way to make others miserable there, I have no idea. Stop being an irreverent dick, put some effort into being a cheerful person, and perhaps I’ll enjoy my shopping experience enough to leave off your extreme couponing habits on the list of things that make one a terrible human being.