I injured my lower back. Bad. I wish I could say I hurt myself doing something awesome, like my husband and I trying out a new, erotic sex position, but sadly my story involves a big, heavy piece of furniture and a misguided notion that I could move it all by myself (sometimes I take the title of “Super Mom” a bit too literally).
I have never felt a pain so excruciatingly intense – and I have experienced childbirth and had my gallbladder ripped out through my bellybutton. So, while I uncomfortably sit here, shifting back and forth in a desperate attempt to find a remotely bearable position, I’ve come up with a list of things I would rather do than suffer the horror of lower back pain:
- Watch Donald Trump in a porno. I would rather find out if the carpet matches the drapes than feel like a thousand knives are stabbing me just above my butt cheeks.
- Tell my children there is no Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy. Yes, it would destroy their childhood, but if Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy doesn’t start feeling better, that shit isn’t going to happen anyway.
- Ride It’s a Small World over and over and over. I would rather spend infinity with those creepy animatronics, listening to them sing that dreadful, repetitive song until my eardrums bleed and my brain explodes than sit here wallowing in self pity from my injury.
- Take a Polar Bear Plunge. Surely cold-shocking my body in freezing, icy water would feel 100 times better than what I’m going through right now.
- Have a conversation with my 9 year old son about Minecraft. Did I talk my mother’s ears off about Super Mario Brothers when I was a little girl? No! So, what is it about this damn video game that makes my kid want to obsessively talk about it? Honestly, this one will probably happen as soon as he figures out I can’t get up from where I’m sitting.
- Take a road trip with the Kardashians. Their voices alone are enough to make me want to throw myself out of a window. But if I got to choose between bearing witness to their disgusting selfie habits, pettiness and ridiculous outfits or lower back pain, sign me up for duck face selfies any day!
- Have a colonoscopy. I’ve had one. Compared to lower back pain, having a colonoscopy is like spending the day at the spa.
My heart and prayers go out to all of you who suffer from chronic back pain because this mama doesn’t have time for this crap. Now excuse me while I go pop a Flexeril and soak my soreness in some lavender laced Epsom salts.
About the author: Erin Gunti chose to become a writer and mother even though she is allergic to coffee. Thank God she is not allergic to wine. You can find her on Twitter attempting to be witty but mostly begging people to publish her.