I’m sick of all the new mothers whining about their baby weight. Can’t fit into your pre-pregnancy jeans? That’s your fault. Still slumming in your maternity leggings? You’re shameful. You left the hospital in a maternity shirt? Personally, I follow a strict post-baby no ruching policy. Remember, #noexcuses.
I lost over 40 pounds in less than 4 months. You can too. Here’s an easy three step plan:
1. Give Birth to Babies weighing over 10 pounds
The easiest way to reach this goal is via gestational diabetes, but that might hinder weight loss efforts. Therefore, I suggest relying on genetics. You’ll have to accept some stretch marks, but if you can grow ‘em big, you are guaranteed to lose at least 15 pounds in one day. 10 from the baby and 5 from the giant placenta in which you grew that heifer. You won’t be able to walk for a month, but you’ll be skinny. Skinny must be your goal. Otherwise you will have failed as a woman, and your husband will leave you.
2. Make Sure Your Baby Has Colic
No one knows what causes colic or why it disappears after a few months, but research shows that intense stress can cause weight loss. Thankfully, colic is a wonderful skinny-making source of stress. My baby cried so much I didn’t even feel like eating. Plus, all those hours I spent weeping in despair burned a ton of calories. A few more pounds were shed via the bouncing and swinging and excessive walking. The lesson: Go get stressed, ladies.
3. Get and Stay Sad
You’ll be hungry if you’re nursing and will want to consume extra calories for your health and your baby’s, but if you are truly devoted to losing the baby weight, you must stop eating. This is even better if you do it accidentally. Then, your loose clothes will be an unexpected and fun surprise. The best way to stop eating is to aim for borderline postpartum depression; extra points if you go all the way into PPD. See number 2 if you need help with that. Eventually, as you adjust to motherhood and get more help, you’ll want to eat more regular meals. Unfortunately, good mental health will probably stall your weight loss.
If you follow this three step program, you’ll have to content yourself with losing muscle in the process. You may look a bit sickly, but don’t worry, you still get a ton of compliments about how skinny you are. As we all know, skinny equals looking great.
Unbrushed hair, bags under your eyes, borderline postpartum depression? No problem. As long as you have a thigh gap, you win the post-baby body race.
Meredith writes skeptically about postnatal bodies and body image on her blog, Motherfigure. She spends way too much time thinking about bellies and vaginas, a.k.a. diastasis recti and pelvic floor disorder. She can also be found on Twitter and Facebook.