This morning, last year’s dress pants and I decided we are going to see other people. It was an emotional decision, but they weren’t accommodating me like they used to in happier days. It was time to move on. I trudged off to find a pair of “rebound” dress pants in which I could lose myself, if only as a distraction.
These are my uncensored thoughts.
1. Dress pants that fit the same but are labelled sometimes 6 or other times 9 is why I have trust issues.
2. My boyfriend says I’m 10, but Alfred Sung says I’m only an 8. Who should I believe?
3. I just asked the sales girl if these pants make my butt look big. Am I morally obligated to give her a friendship bracelet now?
4. Exactly how many text messaged “butt in dress pant” selfies are an imposition between friends? Best friends? Work acquaintances? Neighbors who occasionally pet-sit? Asking for a friend.
5. Does the fire department always bring the jaws of life to fitting room emergencies, or do you have to ask nicely?
6. Dress pant tags are judgey. Curvy. Skinny. Tall. Petite. Who asked you? Don’t judge me! You don’t know me!
7. These khakis say “My other workplace is Best Buy.”
8. I’m going all “Frozen” on those control tops. Let it go! Seriously. I can’t breathe.
9. Dear Sir Mix-a-lot’s muse: Where do you buy your pants?
10. Basically, what I’m looking for are pajama jeans, but in tweed.
11. These are labelled “flared,” like my nostrils when I try to do them up.
12. If I wear horn rimmed glasses with my yoga pants, is it smart casual?
13. At least I know what my colleagues will say when they see my new outfit tomorrow: “Nice Skirt!”
I left the store very aware that it’s difficult to “wear the pants” when you can’t find any that fit properly. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that Destiny’s Child’s hit was inspired by words whispered in desperation to ill fitting trousers: “Can you handle this?/I don’t think you can handle this. / I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. / My body’s too bootylicious for you, babe.”