Prenatal, postnatal and Mommy and Me yoga classes are offered at almost every yoga studio in town. Not to mention all the Get Back in Shape for New Moms classes. But are those what real moms really need or want? I’ve come up with some more specially-targeted yoga classes that I think will appeal to the desires of mothers everywhere…
1. Wine Yoga
Well, obviously, this is a no-brainer. For the harried working mom (and that means all moms because we know every mom is a working mom) who wants to unwind with some wine and keep her body lithe and supple. (And it’s totally ok to not give a flying fig about the lithe and strong bit, just…you know…wine!)
2. Messy House Yoga
This class would be held in another mom’s home, which is a total wreck. Unlike your first thought of—But that would be stressful to do yoga in a messy house—the key would be that it wasn’t your messy house, so you could feel slightly better about your own house’s current cleanliness status.
3. Lego Yoga
This would be a more advanced class for moms who need to toughen up their soles along with their souls. You must avoid the Legos the yoga teacher throws on your mat as you practice. If you accidentally step on a Lego, you must try not to curse or at least disguise it as a chant.
4. Diva Yoga
Why should kids have all the fun of dress up time? A lot of us moms do not get the opportunity to dress up on a regular basis, but this doesn’t have to stop us from rocking our most gorgeous dress. You know—the one you bought years ago, and it’s just been collecting dust in the back of your closet. Throw it on and come to a yoga class where you can dress as outrageously or outlandishly as you want. (Do check if you can comfortably move in your outfit of choice; i.e. the corset dress might not be optimal.)
5. Ranting Yoga
If you have heard of laughter yoga, well, this is something like that, except instead of letting out laughs, here you are encouraged to let out epic rants. You would be given free reign to scream, moan, cry and curse. Think primal scream meets meditation. (Studios would need to be outfitted with soundproofing to not disturb other classes.)
6. Hunk yoga
All right ladies, you knew I had to go there. Yes, this is totally sexist…Major hunks, hotties or studs would teach this class in speedos and every mom would be assigned a hunk of her own to fan her, fetch her cool cups of water and even do the poses for her that she doesn’t feel like assuming. They would also whisper encouraging words to the moms as they practice.
7. Do You Really Want to be a Parent? Yoga
This class would be for people considering having children. Kids would be encouraged to act like maniacs and all-around little jerks and run and try to push the yogis out of their balancing poses. Yogi moms would be challenged with trying to keep their peace. (Perfect marketing idea: There could be a kids-free yoga class next door for parents, who could simply drop off their kids in this classroom. Free babysitting!)
8. Kitten and Puppy Yoga
Cute little kitties and puppies would be free to roam the studio and to roll and play with moms as they do their yoga. Guaranteed to bring a smile and a relaxing spirit to your yoga practice. And the best part… You don’t have to clean the litter box or wipe up the loose fur. All the cuteness and fun with none of the responsibility.
9. Yoga with Cupcakes
Need I say more? So, you know how at the end of class some yoga studios offer a nice cup of hot tea on your way out? Well, it’s the same idea. Except with cupcakes. Big cupcakes. With loads of frosting, sprinkles and everything else you can imagine.
10. Total Weirdo Yoga
Have you ever felt like you are a little bit odder than most people? Well, in this yoga class, you can be your weirdo self. If you’re like me, and your kids are getting to that age where they’re telling you you’re so weird, and not in a good way, then this class is for you. Come and be your weirdest self: make strange noises, do the poses in funny ways, laugh, fart, scream, cry…just generally be your weirdo self. You are accepted here. Come as you are.
All right, yoga studios… It’s up to you now. You can thank me later by giving me a cut of the classes that you make millions of yoga dollars off.
Oh…you know, just to be safe, let’s make it a wine and cupcake class.
Sheila is a former stripper and nude model who became her college valedictorian, a yoga instructor, a writing teacher, an author, a mother and a Body Image Expert. She lives with her husband, three children and three cats in CT. She has a novel, Beautiful Something Else, 2016, 48Fourteen. Her memoir, Stripping Down, is a meditation on womanhood and body image. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AuthorSheilaHageman, website www.SheilaHageman.com or Twitter and Instagram: @SheilaMHageman. Sheila has appeared on numerous TV shows including Today Show, ABC News, NBC News, and as an expert on Bill Cunningham and Anderson Cooper. She has been featured on Salon, Yahoo, Your Tango, She Knows, and The Huffington Post, along with others.